AVOID ANYONE DESCRIBED AS A ‘CHARACTER’ – They tend to arrive on the first day already blitzed half way to Venus. They speak solely in the drawling nonsensicalness of an insurmountably pickled halfwit and will be the reason your group is asked to leave several of the better tents. They will also, almost certainly, piss themselves at one point. Ditc…h them ASAP.
CHARGE YOUR PHONE – One of the least enjoyable things about festivals is trying to meet up with people. Meeting points are always either stupidly vague, ‘meet us at the left of the main stage’, ridiculously detailed ‘we’re by the guy with green hair’ or just foolish, ‘we’ll be under the helicopter’. Try to make this experience as unchallenging as possible by always having battery on your phone.
BRING LOTS OF DOLLAR – The only thing more expensive than festivals is financing a small war, so make sure you have the corresponding cash. Think a tenner a day will fulfill your needs? Think again. By the time you’ve had four £4.50 drinks, it’s only an hour and a half into the festival, the music hasn’t started yet and you’ve not even thought about food.
BRING A GUITAR – After a few beers we all get that surge of confidence, and if there’s a guitar nearby then there’s only one way it will end. But try to remember: it will be much more fun for you than for everyone else, your playing will be shit because you’re pissed, everyone else’s previously enjoyable conversations will be interrupted, and no-one but no-one likes a show off. Don’t be ‘that’ guy.
ARRIVE AT NIGHT – You’ll end up next to a portaloo with you’re tent halfway up a tree in the morning.
SMUGGLE THINGS IN TAPED TO YOUR PERSON – Whether it’s small packages of nefarious substances ensconced among the genitals or bags of wine wrapped around the torso like jiggly Kevlar armor, when it comes to removing the contraband from yourself you’ll realize that you’re actually a complete idiot.